Sorry this has taken so long. I've been sick for the past week, which is practically unheard-of for me. (Intestinal bug + heat exhaustion = bad, bad scene.) I'm feeling fatigued, listless, lightheaded, vaguely nauseated...
Yeah, like that. Exactly like that.
We open with the usual chit-chat, this time about how we're down to the final four and how some of the girls didn't think they'd make it that far. Becky, Saaphyri and Leilene are fairly chummy, but Shay is out on the perimeter of the Cool Kids group.
Shay isn't exactly losing sleep over it, but it's pretty obvious who Becky is talking about when she tells Saaphyri that there are some people she "just couldn't see getting the $50,000."
Hmmm. I'm starting to see why she got so defensive about stretch marks at the prom of the damned.
Mo gathers the girls downstairs and fills them in on their penultimate challenge: a quiz. They'll have to answer questions about the lessons they've allegedly learned on their path to ... whatever this is supposed to accomplish. (I don't know anymore, honestly.) But the way the quiz is set up is kinda wack; the girls get to pick someone else to answer each question they're given, and the first girl to lose 3 questions will be eliminated. The girls look confused and startled, but soon disperse to study.
Shay looks to The Big Board for inspiration. Good luck with that.
Leilene, meanwhile, is seeking inspiration in a bottle of gin. Good luck with that, Leilene; the only thing I've ever found in gin was a handy way to exfoliate my stomach lining.
I like how Becky has clearly underlined "be nice" in her notes. On a less nice note, she and Saaphyri agree to ask all their questions to Shay to increase the likelihood of her being eliminated.
Oh, they know who the weak link is, all right. (Especially after all that gin. Yeesh.)
Becky and Saaphyri decide to find the fun in their studying, devising a catchy way to remember the titles of their lessons.
It's the "zhukky-zhukky" that makes it art.
Leilene agrees to join Becky and Saaphyri's plan to squeeze Shay out and the girls gather downstairs for their elimination round. It's soon obvious to everyone, including Mo, that Shay is being targeted. Still, Shay gets to send some questions to the other girls, and she knows how to do some damage while she can.
By, for instance, giving Leilene a math question; math is Leilene's kryptonite.
But while Shay puts up a valiant fight, answering a commendable number of questions correctly, she is finally bested by a trick question about what fork you use to eat frog legs with (answer: your fingers). And so she is eliminated.
You ever notice that nothing makes Saaphyri happier than someone else's misfortune?
After the field is narrowed to three, Mo tells the girls that their next challenge awaits: they will have an hour to write a speech about their dreams, their plans and why they deserve the $50,000 prize. This should be good.
Saaphyri is indignant that another demand is being placed on them so soon; Leilene is freaking out, possibly feeling the effects of the fickle love of Big Daddy Gin.
Becky is pretty casual, telling Leilene that she knows what she wants to say and trusts that the words will come in time. Spoken like a true procrastinator; the bloggers of the world salute you, Becky!
Meanwhile, Mo calls to Shay as she takes her packed bags down to the front door and asks to talk to her in private. So it should come as no surprise that when Mo introduces the guest judge to help her determine the two best speeches...
Ayup. I do like Mo's thinking on this, though, that sometimes the people you step on as you claw your way to the top will cross your path again and be in a position to step on you. (And I love Shay's suit.)
The girls aren't too thrilled with this development, which makes me smile even more.
Leilene goes first, talking about her hopes to put her kids through college and give them a better life than she had, with the opportunity to make better choices. She says that she's learned a lot in Charm School and grown as a person. Then, she reintroduces herself as a new, stronger Leilene. It's a really good speech, beautifully delivered, and I'm buying what Leilene's selling.
Becky notes that Shay isn't going to give her a break in the least, but she plunges ahead anyway. She also talks about her growth at Charm School and about how she feels more comfortable in her own skin. I do think Becky's improved immensely, and I hope she can eventually leave the Buckwild persona behind completely. But then Becky surprises just about everyone by saying how much she's learned from Saaphyri and that if she wins, she's going to give half her prize to Saaphyri. I can't tell if this is a good idea or not; on the one hand, she might position herself as one winner who benefits two people, but on the other hand, she might come across as not believing sufficiently in herself.
And then Saaphyri starts talking. She says she wrote and wrote "and wrote and wrote and wrote" (in an hour? Really?) but couldn't come up with a compelling speech. So instead she talks about how she'd use the prize money to get a place to live, which is something she hasn't apparently had for a while. She does a great job of laying out what it means to be without a home, and everyone is touched.
Mo is crying.
Shay is crying. I'm not crying, but I am impressed at how well Saaphyri has presented her case for needing the money. I'm just not sure that she's grown as a person. For the first time since grad school, I start questioning whether this is a needs-based scholarship or a merit-based scholarship.
When Mo asks Shay to pick the top two speeches, Shay chooses Saaphyri easily for the first slot, but has a hard time choosing the second. She starts crying and tells Mo it's too hard for her to do. This is the most human I think I've ever seen Shay act. It's kinda like watching a junior-high bully cry; I want to look away but I'm also enjoying it a bit.
Anyway. Mo picks Leilene as the second finalist, and gives Becky a farewell embrace. Becky tells the camera that she's learned all she needed to learn at Charm School and feels like she's graduated. Awwww. Hugs all around, and it's goodbye to Becky.
The next day, Saaphyri and Leilene go to get makeovers. Oh, thank God, we get to lose that awful two-tone weave!
Personally, I don't think Leilene needs a makeover, especially in this awesome white trench. She just needs a better wardrobe with fewer crotchless items and maybe a turtleneck or two.
Saaphyri meets with Keith and has some trouble finding a gown to contain and flatter her massive boobs. Leilene, meanwhile, keeps heading for the rack with the unseen sign reading "escort wear." Then, under the tutelage of Mikki, Leilene gets a totally unnecessary haircut, while Saaphyri gets a totally necessary weave transplant.
At last, the beast is slain.
Saaphyri and Leilene go back to the house, put their gowns on and meet downstairs.
Damn, whoever did these makeovers should be pistol-whipped. Leilene has this awful extra-long mullet, like an overgrown Jane Fonda in Klute.
Saaphyri, meanwhile, looks like Tina Turner circa 1967 after an especially tense day with Ike.
Only older.
Mo, clearly looking through the eyes of love, tells them both that they're beautiful and says that it's been a tough decision. There's a minute or two of anticipation, then she tells Leilene that she's gotten the consolation prize: representation by Keith's agency.
Honestly, I think this might tie with Courtney's seat on Mo's tour bus as the most potentially valuable parting gift. So with Leilene as the runner-up, that means...
Mo proudly intones, "The first winner of Charm School is--" Hold up. First? The first winner of Charm School? There will be more? Whoa. I'm not sure I can handle that.
But yes, the winner is Saaphyri. And while I don't think anybody can begrudge her for winning the opportunity to meet a basic human need (shelter), not even me, I can't really say that she grew the most of anyone on the show.
Saaphyri herself confirms my suspicions when she says she's so happy she beat up H-Town back in the premiere of Flavor of Love 2 because it led her to this triumph. She's happy she... yeah. There's that personal development this show was hoping to foster. Yippee.
Yeah, I'm over it. But not as much as the announcer for VH1!
Maybe the reunion will make up for the totally predictable finale. Or maybe we'll have to look to Rock of Love for that. I neglected to TiFaux the preview, but I think I've seen enough to get a taste for its particular brand of sleaze.
They all look so grim. Maybe they've seen his sex tape.
There's so much going on here, but my eye is drawn to Cowboy Hat on the left there.
Whummahumma!
"Will suck middle-aged wang for methadone."
"Will suck middle-aged wang for the blood of innocents."
And there's your prize, ladies! Makes you long for a certain shrunken rapper, doesn't it?
Catherine - I hope you feel better soon ... summer colds are horrible! Thank you for rousing yourself to share this amusing (as always) recap. I can't wait for "Rock of Love" ... it looks like a bigger train wreck than all of the Flav shows put together. Did you see the casting show? Who ARE these people, and how did they find women who make the Flavor of Love girls look positively fresh, urbane and sophisticated? Yeeeeesh.
Posted by: Kim | July 08, 2007 at 11:45 PM
Looking forward to Rock of Love and to your recap of the Charm School Reunion.
Posted by: PoliVamp | July 09, 2007 at 12:43 AM
GNC, I'm going to miss these recaps, girl. I'm surprised you didn't notice Saphaari's magical reappearing koolaid weave, but maybe it wasn't noteworthy.
I sure hope you're gonna take on the Bret Michaels White Trash Waltz i it's going to be trashtastic...
Posted by: LurkerNan | July 09, 2007 at 03:36 PM
Are you really recapping Rock of Love? Oh, that is wonderful and it gives me something to look forward to.
Posted by: sugaree | July 09, 2007 at 11:24 PM