1-11: It's Springerrific!

Or is it Oprahtastic? Whichever it is (and maybe it's both), the Charm School reunion is unlike any of the other reunion shows of the whole Flavor of Love gravy train. Of course, there are still some of the constants we've come to expect from the reunions: the transformations, the crowd favorites, the confrontations, the host.

We've got to quit meeting like this, LaLa.

We start with the inevitable introductions of "the Charm School class of 2007," a term that makes me very nervous because it, like Mo's coronation of Saaphyri as "the first winner of Charm School," implies future seasons looming in the distance like tube-top-clad horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Speaking of which.

"Are those new?" I ask J. "Looks like," he responds. Oh, Cristal. Didn't you tell us just last year that if they didn't look like your old hooters, then it don't matter?

"Are those new?" J asks me. "I think they're the same, just showcased," I respond. I'm getting far too familiar with these total strangers' racks.

Oh, Darra. This show never did right by you, in my opinion, but you keep shining that beautiful smile. I want to call you "queen." I may actually be turning into MoNique.

Oh, that's a vast improvement in the weavage!

And that's... not. Ah, man, who does she remind me of? It's been bothering me for days. The closest I can get is the Ice Queen from the Chronicles of Narnia riding into battle wearing Aslan's mane. But there's someone else. It'll come to me eventually.

Moving on. Hey, Mo! You know -- and I say this with love -- a structured jacket can be the big girl's best friend. LaLa welcomes Mo and leads right into an occurrence on the show that LaLa insists "a lot of people were talking about."

Schatar's trip to the Firestone winery. You know, in the second episode? Remember? She ... went to a winery. I didn't have much to say about it, and you all know I can snipe about anything. I mean, cripes, if you want to get Schatar up there to see what wacky-ass thing is going to come out of her mouth, talk about her stealing Heather's dresses. (Speaking of which, where is Heather? Not that I miss her or care in particular, just wondering.)

But we soon get what we came for, as Schatar not only refers to herself as "descended from royalty" (?) but says that she's a better caliber of Charm School student because she didn't get naked, sleep with anybody or use any profanity. That's an achievement? Really? Most of the other girls take issue with this, and Cristal uses as much profanity as possible to say "you're still a thief." Which I kind of respect.

Mo takes this opportunity to announce that during this show, they're going to respect all the women by not referring to them in derogatory terms. For some reason, the phrase "skinny bitches" keeps echoing in my head, but I can't imagine why. I appreciate Mo trying to raise the tone of the show, but I'll be very interested to see how long that actually lasts.

LaLa calls up Courtney, and reminds us all of Mo's offer of a place on her tour bus. I wonder if Courtney's taken her up on it and how that went.

Not too well, as it turns out. Courtney apparently made a joke about Mo at a comedy club in Atlanta. (Damn, I'd love to know what that joke was!) She apologizes to Mo and tries to laugh it off, all the while sporting one of the most painful please-don't-kill-me smiles I've ever seen.

My face hurts just looking at that. Mo says that Courtney's still welcome on the bus, and I marvel to J at how adept the Flavor of Love girls are at shooting themselves in the foot.

Exhibit A. Brooke says that she doesn't feel ashamed for rubbing up on all and sundry at the to' up prom, and I kinda respect her for that. Mo tries to shame her with the whole "but what if your grandbabies see footage of you acting this way and want to emulate that?" bit. You ever notice how nobody says that to a guy who's making a horny fool of himself?

Brooke does a fairly good job of defending herself ... and then she makes a comment about how white women "put themselves out there" more than African-American women. I pantomime loading a gun and aiming it at my foot. J thinks I'm aiming at Emily and offers silent approval.

Becky is not trying to hear the bit about white women being a bit free with their affections.

Brooke refers to Becky making out with some guy at a bar. Yes, but that wasn't supposed to be a formal occasion, Brooke. Oh, crap, did I just defend that godawful prom?

Oh, never mind. (We've already violated the profanity ban by this point.) Monique makes a comment that as long as Brooke is okay with herself at the end of the day when the walls are closing in, then that's fine. I get the impression that Mo thinks Brooke is in prison.

Next, Saaphyri is called to the stage. Now, I was pretty critical of Saaphyri during the finale, mostly because I don't think we were shown much footage of her being a very nice person. But if her former competitors can give her a standing ovation -- including Darra, whom she was hateful to at least twice -- then maybe there's a whole side of Saaphyri that we were never shown. Maybe she was kind and caring off-camera, or that footage just never aired. I'd like to believe that, anyway.

So Saaphyri comes up and starts chatting animatedly about how much she's got going on these days. She's had to quit doing weaves at the hair shop because everybody just wants to jaw about the show. But she's not letting the moss grow; she's starting a line of lip balms called Lip Chap. I'm not sure that's the best name for a product, but what the hell do I know? Look what I named my blog!

She's also trying to develop a business where she does weaves for people with alopecia and cancer to help them feel better, which is really quite awesome. Something about her familiarity with alopecia makes me wonder, though: what does Saaphyri's scalp itself look like? We've never actually seen it...

Then she takes a spiritual turn and starts talking about how God put Mo there to help her and how comedy can only come from tragedy, and ... huh? Really? I can certainly agree that many comedians have been influenced by tragedy and sociopolitical rage, but I can't quite sign on that it's a guaranteed stop on the comedy train.

I don't think Mo is buying it either. This strikes me as the look of someone who's patiently awaiting the arrival of the next conversational topic. In this case, it's Saaphyri's purchase of a condo and her assurance that the mortgage will be paid. Good for her. I wish her nothing but the best, and I honestly think she'll do just fine.

Next up is Leilene, who gets a screaming ovation from the crowd. I'm personally applauding her return to that fantastic wavy mane after that abomination of a haircut she got on the finale. Leilene says she has new management (guess Keith's offer didn't pan out) and has gotten quite a few endorsements. Good on you, Leilene!

You know who isn't so happy for Leilene? Brooke.

Gallant is proud of her growth on the show and grateful for the messages of support her fans sent her.

Goofus has flashed America while passing judgment on a stripper. Goofus's friend Doofus asks Leilene if she could teach her some of her stripper moves. If Gallant weren't so gallant, she might suggest that some pole-dancing could distract the audience from Doofus making cracks at her benefactress's expense.

Gallant has been given a $10,000 gift from "everyone involved with the show"! Super-sweet!

Goofus will probably appear at a club opening for a couple hundred and an open tab.

LaLa introduces the inevitable rehash of Picturegate by mentioning the three women that it hurt. I figure, ah, here's a chance for Darra to talk about how she got the shaft from this show.

But nope! Darra's unfair dismissal merits nary a peep; instead we see Becky talk about how upset she was over... hell, I don't know. I just remember her crying in the closet about having suspicions about Shay and Larissa grinning about it.

So she and Shay -- that's not even a weave, that's a full-on Eva Gabor WIG -- talk it over a little bit more, even though I'm no longer sure where the goalposts are in this extremely minor disagreement. Ah, they hug in the end, hopefully their friendship can be salvaged, it's probably all good. Now can we please move on?

No, wait, I didn't mean to move on to Larissa! Aaaaagh!

Shay and Larissa have a closed-circuit argument about Picturegate, and frankly, between the yelling and the bleeping, I have no idea what points either side is making. I'm not even sure it matters. So you've got your usual...

Plus a touch of...

But why argue separately when you can argue in the same room! In a move that makes me wonder if she's hoping for some fisticuffs, LaLa invites Larissa out onto the stage, where, to nobody's surprise, the squabbling and bleeping continues until Mo steps in.

"This right here? Breaks. My heart," she says in a cadence that is straight out of Tyra 101. Mo starts talking about how Shay and Larissa need to respect each other and I lose interest and vaguely daydream about mad scientists attempting to concoct a hybrid of Tyra, Oprah and Mother Love and using Mo as the first test case.

This is Larissa's response to Mo's pleadings for better behavior. Mo mentions that Larissa's mother is in the audience and we see a shot of a redhead who --

Really? That's Larissa's mom? I thought for sure she'd look like this. Or maybe this. Well, she does look a little like this, so maybe I wasn't so far off.

Larissa takes this opportunity to tell Mo that she's full of shit. The audience's reaction is classic.

It's as if Ron Popeil had told them that they could pay as much as $500 if they bought everything separately.

Mo starts to move menacingly toward Larissa, and for one brief shining moment, I believe the long-overdue beatdown of a lifetime is about to unfold before my wondering eyes. But nope; in a move straight out of the Springer playbook, Larissa's mom comes up to the stage and starts yelling at Mo that she shouldn't "walk up on her daughter like that."

Yeah, she's Larissa's mom after all. Mo tells her that she should've walked up on her own daughter at some point, which is so right I think I actually heard a "zing!"

But as inevitably happens when confronted with a parent who refuses to believe that their little angel is actually a sociopath with major entitlement issues, Larissa's mom yells at Mo until Mo (having a sense of shame, something that is genetically absent in this family) backs down and actually apologizes to the little brat.

Thus begins a long-winded, often confusing ramble about African-American women putting their best foot forward. Mo, hon, Larissa doesn't have a best foot. She doesn't even have a good foot; James Brown would have been completely confounded by her.

At some point, Mo says "they're watching us" a couple of times, and I'm not sure if she means white people (in a "so be on your best behavior" way) or heroic African-American women who have gone before them (in a "so make our forerunners proud" way). She references Harriet Tubman and Dorothy Dandridge...

... and I'm not at all sure Larissa knows who those women were. I can't tell if this is the blank look of "leave me alone" or the blank look of "who?". Larissa has so few non-combative expressions that they have to fulfill several different functions.

And then the weirdest thing happens. LaLa says that the dialogue will continue, and the show just ... ends. It simply stops. The cameras zoom out, the credits roll, and the theme music plays. Perhaps LaLa, as a veteran of these reunion shows, knows an impending blabfest when she sees it. Perhaps the film crew had to punch out by 9 p.m. Perhaps the audience was getting up and leaving by this point. Whatever the reason, we're done!

... For now. (Another season of Charm School? VH1 is going to keep sucking shows out of Flavor of Love like it's a neckbone dipped in honey mustard, aren't they.)

Comments

[BronzeMan]

Thanks for the recap. This show was such a bizarre mix of things, I'm glad you were able to make some sense out of it. I'm glad for Leilene, who I wanted to win all along.

John

[Frankie]

Go Leilene!

[Rich]

Could it be that Larissa reminds you of Elvira?

[Melpomene]

Thank you for ALL the incredibly funny recaps of Charm School.
The show's not available here (I'm not locked up in an institution of any sort, just living in a different country), but I believe I got the best bits while reading it all here.
Plus, I can't remember the last time I've laughed as much as I have tonight (I read all the recaps just now in a row).
I tip my bonnet to you and thank you!

[LurkerNan]

Maybe the next show will be Charm School for Man-Whores, which will take New York's cast-offs and turn them into better human beings. They can include Flav in that, I think he needs the work. Because apparently Flav showed up backstage to the Charm School Reunion. Perhaps he wants credit for collecting all these fine women in one place for VH1 to make shows for.

[David]

What's the name of the theme song that's played at the end? Its so relaxing !