1-2: A skank lodge divided against itself

The second episode can determine so much about the tone of a reality TV season. It's when the themes really start to emerge, when individual personalities begin to assert themselves, when you get a feel for the kind of debasement that will be expected of the contestants.

Or the kind of debasement they'll volunteer for. That kind of thing.

While Bret works out in the yard, the skanks sleep off the night before.

This shot is so perfectly composed, I want to send flowers to the crew. Like TIffany, the glass is broken and coated in alcohol inside and out, but still standing. (Also unattractive and a public health hazard.)

The tender light of day makes some of the girls want to share some of their stories with their new friends. (Always a bad idea.) Erin is telling Jes, Mia and a couple other girls about a scrapbook her ex-fiance made for her (sometime before telling her he wasn't in love with her). But all Heather overhears from the balcony is this:

And she runs -- literally runs -- to tell her buddies.

As more girls awaken, the boozefest begins anew. Lacey tells us that she doesn't usually drink during the day, but hey, Rock of Love is like one extended night (the long dark night of the soul, perhaps), so she's gonna hit the bottle like it owes her money.

Ah, sun's over the yardarm somewhere in the world, right, ladies?

Tamara seems unsure of her drink. I don't think that's going to keep her from chugging it, though.

It's just a tragic inevitability that whenever alcohol is consumed near musical instruments, people are going to attempt to play said instruments, whether or not they can.

I'm not sure what Sam's excuse is, though; she doesn't drink. (She doesn't sing, either. I like you, Sam, but step away from the mike.)

Bret hears the cacophony and decides to join the band, deliberately playing as badly as they are. (Actually, he's not that bad. After however many years, I guess there's a certain standard of competence that you just can't fall below.) Now that the main attraction has arrived, the standard tactics are used to gain his attention.

Huh. You know how I said that Rodeo was being set up last week as the sweet, sentimental one? I might have spoken too soon.

Bret and the skanks soon start boozing it up in earnest, and before you know it, there's skanks making out with other skanks, someone's top goes missing, this...

... occurs. It's enough to make you look a little bit like Peter Billingsley.

Right, Sam?

I should clarify, though, that not all the women in the house are dry-humping each other. Outside, a smokers' klatch has gathered, headed by Jes, Magdalena and Sam. Sam states outright that there's a divide in the house between... well, I'll let the diagram show it all.

There you have it. Bitchy (yet not whorish) vs. slutty. Who says women don't have many choices?

Lacey comes outside and tries to strike up a conversation with Jes, who figures Lacey's either being insincere or up to something and kinda blows her off. Lacey devises a plan to take Jes down a peg or two... or something.

This screencap has caught Brandi C. (or Brittany Burke, as she is known to porn audiences) in the middle of shaking her head around as she laughs. It's really... I dunno, wacky or something.

Unable to get any cosigners on her plan, Lacey drags Jes into the pool all by herself. Note the hands-clasped-around-the-neck move!

Jes is furious and tells Lacey not to come near her again. I can't say as I blame her; that hair color is probably very chemically fragile.

While Jes is showering and drying off, Big John delivers a --

Say, looking good with the haircut, big guy! (I think it has finally occurred to Big John that there could be some sloppy seconds in the offing.)

Oh, but consider what else you might receive, Big John. I think my computer might have gotten warts from this shot.

Man, everybody is looking rough!

Lacey looks like she's allergic to something. Air, maybe.

Brandi looks like Gollum with a wig.

Rodeo looks (I can't help it) rode hard and put away wet.

Oh, let's just not.

The note from Bret says that the skanks will be challenged to "give good phone" as if Bret had called them from the road.

A phone sex challenge. Awesome! Oh, but how will success or failure be determined? And by whom?

By this guy! Who is not an accredited doctor. (I love this show's editors.)

And using this: the wang-o-meter!

As part of the thoroughly scientific setup, Bret will be clad in some ridiculous oversize jammies and lounge in an old set from Busty Cops 2. Let the phone tag begin!

Many of the skanks seem surprisingly inept at phone sex. You'd think at least a couple of them would have made their living at it at one point or another. Brandi C. squeaks about food-licking, Brandi M. does the Roy Orbison growl, Faith totally freezes up, Tiffany slurs her way through some ridiculous thing about boxing lessons (???) and unleashes her catchphrase "don't threaten me with a good time." After which Bret hangs up on her.

Two of the bad calls really stand out, though.

Oh, bless her heart, Tamara feels so special.

And Magdalena gets the double metal horns from me not only for singing, but for rhyming "Bret-tay" with "sweat-ay." I love her for having the balls (metaphorical or otherwise) to do that.

Some of the skanks are more successful in pinging the wang-o-meter. Erin asks if Bret finds English girls hot (he does) and proceeds to do some monologue about a "dirty nanny" in the worst British accent this side of Kevin Costner. After Lacey's call, Bret tells us he's into the whole castles-and-dragons thing (who knew?), so I figure Lacey recited a sex scene from one of the Conan books. And Rodeo makes a filthy-mouthed spectacle of herself, moaning and writhing to the laughing mortification of the other girls.

Of course, Erin, Lacey and Rodeo are the top 3 wang-pingers, so they win a date with this lovely gentleman here. (Is it my imagination, or are there little tiny braids around his hairline?) So the lesson here is: if you've got to give someone a long-distance boner, go for a bad accent, mine the bad fantasy literature or just abandon all dignity and refer to your reproductive organs in the most obscene terms you can stand.

Considering those guidelines, especially the last one, I'm kinda surprised at who didn't win.

And it looks like they're surprised too!

In a display of poor sportsmanship of the like we've come to expect in these shows, Brandi wastes no time picking a fight with Erin.

I've gotta say I'm on Team Erin for this one. I mean, cripes, you tell someone you want to kick them and then you're surprised when they say, "Yeah, well, your face is jacked up"? And don't even try to sell me the "I meant kiss" crap, Miss "BabyGotBoobs" (look it up on your own time, folks, and don't say I didn't warn you).

Also, what's with the hate for the "clown tits" now? Just one episode ago, you were asking to feel them and complimenting Erin on them! (Oh, but she hadn't kicked your ass at phone sex yet, had she?)

Having the intelligence and maturity of a spoiled preschooler, Brandi starts crying about how Erin "made fun of [her] car wreck" (no, she made fun of your face, dingus, and for good reason; even if it wasn't scarred, it's still mediocre at best).

Elsewhere in the house, other scraps are starting up, as Dallas takes aim at animal-loving Lacey (who also won a date with Bret... coincidence?). Heather makes a comment about a misbehaving dog, and Dallas cuts loose with:

I can think of three possible explanations for these comments:

1. Dallas is a trained Halal butcher so dedicated to her craft that she simply couldn't help herself in her quest to provide humanely slaughtered, Muslim-approved meat to her fellow competitors, no matter the source.

2. Dallas is saying the most extreme things imaginable to upset an animal lover in the hopes of putting her off her game during the date. Also, Lacey might have annoyed Dallas earlier, so she'd enjoy upsetting her anyway.

3. Dallas is fucking insane.

I'm thinking it's mostly 2 with maybe a touch of 3. (Seriously, throat slitting? What the hell, man?)

After a couple "I can't live with someone who..." snits, Dallas and Erin switch rooms, to much fake cheer all around.

Brandi is still crying about Erin saying something mean (ish) about her face. Knowing a threat when they see one, Heather and Lacey hug Brandi and encourage her to let Bret know how awful Erin has been to her. So Kristia and Brandi approach the sanctum sanctorum...

There are so many things this could stand for. "Bret Michaels' bedroom," of course. "Be my bitch." "Bring me beer." "Blow me, baby." "Bad music buffoon." "Beware my BO."  "Big mama's boy." "Blubbery man boobs." "Bastard's marching band." "Blonde Maintenance Branch." "Baboon mit boner." I could go on for days. No, really. But I'll stop now.

Brandi whines to Bret about how Erin made fun of her face, then takes that teeny tiny slight and runs it clear into the land of absurdity by comparing scars from a recent car accident to being in a wheelchair. I think she may have pushed it a little too far.

Kristia thinks so too.

And, I believe, so does Bret. Still, he admits that hearing her all upset in her "little titmouse [shudder] voice" turned him on. I really do think that I am the only thing in the universe that could turn Bret off. I am your last, best hope, world!

The next day, we get a better view of the scars on Brandi's face when she reads the "elimination will be tonight" note from Bret. Sorry, even without those little, healing scratches, girl has a face like prison bread.

Bret, Lacey, Erin and Rodeo head out on their date, which turns out to be a day at Jim Henson Studios, where Bret has been working on a track with the one and only Don Was!

I cannot help myself; the haunting strains of "Hello, Dad? I'm in Jail!" immediately began resounding through my head. ("Say hi to Mom... from jail!")

Bret tells his dates that they've got a song recorded that the skanks will be accompanying Bret on. The song is utterly pedestrian (sample lyric: "Do it on the floor"), but thanks to the damn catchy production, it's been in my freaking head ever since Sunday. I've come up with backing vocals and a soul-mama fadeout for it. Curse you, Don Was!

Lacey -- who, to review, is a professional musician -- sings the chorus ("We got hot that cold December/Hey, baby, do you remember?" -- you see what I mean about the mediocrity of the lyrics) an octave above Bret and throws in a little harmony. She hits the general vicinity of the pitch, but the tone of her voice is this creepy little baby doll whine. Then again, we've affirmed that such a voice turns Bret on.

Then Rodeo comes into the studio -- wait a minute.

What is she wearing?! Does her skirt have tails? What is that?? Where on earth do you find a backless dress with a split-tail skirt? And why would it occur to anyone to make one in the first place?

Clearly, I am not the only one sputtering incoherently, as Rodeo is overcome after singing her bit and then moaning into the mike.

I feel like I know Rodeo already because I've worked with quite a few women like this. (They were all in their 40s and very much feeling their oats after their divorces. Their backyard barbecues were festivals of mortification.)

In preparation for Bret's visit, a makeout couch was installed in the recording studio; Bret and Rodeo now put this piece of furniture to its intended use.

I've gotta say this: he is totally into her. Maybe not as much as she's into him, but we didn't see Lacey getting this kind of tonsil massage.

Erin tells Bret that she can't sing to save her life, so she does more of the British sex talk thing into the mike. (How you incorporate that into a song, I have no idea.)

She and Bret sit on the makeout couch and talk while his eyes keep sliding down to what have been called her "gummi-bear boobs," "circus tits" and "clown tits" by other skanks. I've gotta say, they really do look cartoonish, and will only look more ridiculous the older she gets. (Then again, I tend to think that the more extreme plastic surgery you get, the less of a lifespan you plan to have.)

Don Was plays back the track with everyone's contribution on it. It sounds like a sleazy hot mess. Bret seems enthusiastic about it, though, saying that there's some magic there.

Bret seems to interpret this gesture as Don saying he has goosebumps. I'm interpreting it as Don saying his flesh is crawling.

Back at the house, the skankier skanks are making a little sign to proclaim their skank supremacy.

[If some of you guys could recommend an alternative video hosting site, I'd greatly appreciate it. For some reason, this video was marked by the cloisetered nuns who apparently use Dailymotion as having "explicit content." Yeah. Explicit content that aired at 9 p.m. on basic cable. Freaks.]

Basically, they're referring to themselves as "The A-Team" (well, the T&A team, anyway). The editors inform us that Heather is The Captain; Lacey, The Instigator; Tawny, The Body; and The Barbie Twins, The Brains. The best part of the clip is Jes laughing as she says, "Stupid bitches." I'm really warming to Jes. She does indeed seem like our kind of folks.

Bret and the skanks return from their date. I think this shot really captures what a cartoon-character body Erin has. There's something animatronic about it, and something kinda weird, too, 'cause it's not like she just happens to have that body; she very deliberately chose and purchased it. Again, I don't think she plans on growing old.

Back at A-Team headquarters, the self-proclaimed "varsity squad" (in case you had any doubts of their mental age) members are convincing themselves of the absolute necessity of telling Bret about Erin's alleged engagement.

For some reason, this qualifies as a female bonding event. "Backstabbing, yeaaaaa!"

Bret, meanwhile, is yet again having a hard time bonding with Tamara. Let's watch.

Note that even Tiffany, who has probably been drinking nonstop all afternoon, still knows to look impressed and thrilled when Bret recounts his day. I'm starting to develop a theory about Tamara, and it isn't that she's stupid, it's that she's just not into Bret. She's totally blowing him off, but it simply hasn't occurred to him that she might be doing that. I find this quite entertaining.

Less entertaining is the sleazy operating done by Heather as she tells Bret that Erin is engaged and supposed to be getting married in May. "I don't want to be a rat or anything," she tells Bret. YES, YOU DO. You just don't want him to notice and think of you that way. I think she looks particularly Voldemort-ian in this shot.

Bret is a bit upset by this, and asks Big John to send Erin out. Erin, of course, totally contradicts what Heather said, so to maximize the drama, Bret brings Heather back out.

By now, she has changed into something from The Leilene Collection. The two blondes bicker about Erin's marital status and Bret seems annoyed and a bit confused by the kerfuffle.

Brandi is convinced that Erin is going home. Mind you, Brandi is also convinced that she is attractive and appealing.

Given the studio date, it's no surprise that Bret picks Rodeo first at elimination (for the second time in a row; she's definitely the frontrunner here).

Rodeo, can I offer some advice? Walk with the elbows in if you'd like to look more feminine. Then again, your farmhand gait has worked for you so far, so what do I know?

Next called are Jes, Lacey, Sam, Magdalena, Mia, Brandi M. (henceforth "the good Brandi"), Kristia, Dallas, Brandi C. and Heather.

This is Dallas' response to Lacey's being called. (Has Dallas even hung out with Bret yet? I haven't seen them have any one-on-one time, and I think she might be one of the few remaining women he hasn't tongue-wrestled with.)

Anyway. We get to the final VIP pass and Bret tells us who won't be getting it (huh?): Tawny, Faith, Tamara or Tiffany. That means Erin stays. And while I don't have much of an opinion on Erin, I'm glad to see Heather thwarted.

And Brandi. Especially Brandi.

It's no surprise that Tamara is eliminated, although we do get a nice little comedic bonus.

See? I don't think she was into him. And I like that bit of sassy we got at the end there. (Tamara's way of speaking in this clip also reminds me of my friend Joy, so I'm inclined to like her more.) I think I might miss Tamara a bit.

But not as much as the TV gods will miss having Tiffany to kick around. Bless her heart, she actually says, "He got rid of the one person he could take home to Mom." Only if Mom runs a detox center.

Next week: the fur continues to fly between Lacey and Dallas as the former dons her PETA shirt and the latter dons every bit of animal product in the house:

(Am I the only one reminded of Coming To America by this shot? Probably.)

Things get ugly, as Lacey hopes Dallas will lay a hand on her; Dallas does, shoving her hard and causing her to hit her head on a countertop. And then Rodeo yanks Lacey off of Dallas.

Sweet Lord, I had no idea it could be this good.

Comments

[Kim]

I wonder if Rodeo gets her ensembles from The Hottie Collection? That double tailed, backless number totally screamed Schatar to me. I wonder if she has a mylar cutout dress too?

[Petals]

I love the shot of the "doctor"!

Rodeo's like a tea kettle in a cowboy hat. I didn't think anyone could be trashier than the Flavor of Love gals but this group could take the gold in the Skank Olympics.

[esoterica]

I live for your recaps. The line about the detox center was my favorite!

[Nikki]

try www.veoh.com as a video hosting site. the video quality is excellent. I think you might have to download the site's free software.

[Cheesemeister]

Good...sweeet...Lord! I wasn't sure if I was seeing VH-1 or the Playboy Channel's Skankiest Sluts. I didn't know VH-1 had found a replacement for Flav. Gad...Bret Michaels has just lost respect in my book. But I must view this train wreck while mourning the lowering my opinion of him on the idol meter.

[Dianne]

What a fantastic recap site! So glad I found you.

[WryBeauty]

The mere fact that you used kerfluffle in a sentence and did not sound like my grandmother made this skank fest recap worth reading.

[cherryl]

you are the shit!! thanx 4 the laughs.

[get rid of tonsil stones]

This was by far my favorite season of Rock of Love, and it was great to come back and read an episode all over again. Your commentary was hilarious.