There's something weird about a competitive dating show. For one thing, as I've opined elsewhere, it's totally anathema to love itself. So the show becomes more about who can capture and hold the attention of the "prize" more than who would be a genuinely good fit with that person. And given the nature of competition, sooner or later, some folks will show a really nasty side... a side that would pawn their own grandmother for a meaningless victory, a side that considers the misery of others as a bonus rather than a drawback, a side that might or might not snack on the hearts of babies in the dark of night upon a sacrificial stone in a forest clearing--
Well, you see what I'm getting at: a side that ain't too pretty.
As the sun rises for another day of skankery at Chez Bret, we are greeted by the sight of a lone figure...
...squat-thrusting. That would be Rodeo, for so many reasons. We hear Heather remind us of how the girls have self-segregated into two groups, one of which she calls the "good girls."
See? And the other is the... I'm trying to think of a term that I can live with, but nothing comes to mind, so I'll just have to go with "ho-bags" and make a donation to NOW in penance or something.
I'm not sure which group Rodeo or Brandi M. fall into, but I'm glad to see that some non-hair-color-based camaraderie is forming in the house.
Of course, the antagonism is still there between other girls, and it's just getting worse. Big John delivers the day's missive from Bret over the breakfast table, where Dallas is eating something creamy in a particularly slow manner.
The appearance of Dallas means that Lacey must remind us of her hatred for the anti-vegan and her dastardly plans for Dallas. She says she can feel "the horns starting to push through [her] skull." That's bound to be a symptom of something neurological. Or just an incurable case of "asshole."
The day's challenge will revolve around motocross racing, so the girls head out to a track, where they are greeted by three riders. I'm thrilled to see two of their instructors will be female: a nine-time BMX champion and a professional instructor who's starting to compete as well.
Oh, yeah. And Bret.
Motocross gear has been provided for the girls, but the most hard-to-fit member of the group, the stratospheric Magdalena, is having a hard time getting her helmet on. Fortunately, she has a good sense of humor about it and laughs hysterically.
Unfortunately, she laughs a little too hard. But to her credit, it's noted and we all move on. Hey, it's not like she pooped on the floor or anything.
During this footage, I'm struck by how different Rodeo can look from shot to shot. Here, she looks like a relatively normal woman in her mid-30s, and a bit like Jennifer Lopez.
Here, she looks like your Great-Aunt MoDeen, the one who shows up to family reunions trashed and flirts with your teenage male cousins until your dad has to drive her home.
She's just got a really inconsistent face, is what I'm saying.
Most of the girls take to the bikes pretty well and are soon competently riding along. But not all of them.
Having learned how the bike works, Dallas goes for maximum speed, which doesn't always yield the results I think she wants.
I kinda sympathize with Dallas, 'cause I was like this when I was younger. Once I'd figure out the basics of something, I'd just gun it and see how far I could take it. I've still got some scars from that era.
The girls are to break into 3 teams of 4 and have a relay race to win a date with Bret. Magdalena, Erin and Heather are selected as captains; they get to pick their teammates and it all breaks down like this:
Pink team: Magdalena, Rodeo, Brandi M. and Sam
Purple team: Erin, Jes, Mia and Brandi C.
Blue team: Heather, Lacey, Kristia and Dallas
Dallas is the last picked, which doesn't seem to surprise her. Honey, you rode into a camera; surely you didn't think that would be a plus?
However, it's Lacey who screws up first out of the gate, laying her bike down and then trying to start it while it's in gear. Heather and Bret help her get going eventually and from then on the blue team is desperately trying to catch up.
So when they put Dallas the speed demon into the last leg, it's pretty much asking for trouble.
And trouble they get. I'm honestly surprised she didn't break anything.
Some of the girls are concerned about Dallas.
(That's Brandi M. I am really starting to like her.) And some are not.
(Well, for what it's worth, Bret and Heather laughed at Dallas' wipeout at first. Nice.) To her credit, Dallas gets back on the bike and attempts to finish the relay, but...
Sometimes you've just got to accept that you've been bested and go find the heating pad for what is probably a massively bruised tailbone. (The pink team wins; Magdalena and Sam get a date with Bret that night while Rodeo and Brandi M. will go out with him the next day.)
But there will be no rest for Dallas; once the girls are in the limo back to the house, Lacey starts in on Dallas' extreme anti-animal-rights statements from the episode before. She taunts Dallas with "Hey, there's a squirrel out there. Eat it, Dallas, eat it!" But Dallas is prepared.
Point to Dallas! She's absolutely right on this one; Bret is almost never without some kind of leather product. And I'd be very surprised if the motocross gear Lacey herself just wore wasn't at least part leather. I'm a big supporter of animal welfare and as much of a supporter of animal rights as a bacon enthusiast can be, but I don't think Lacey has the courage of her supposed convictions. If she did, she'd try to share her gospel with Bret rather than picking on a fellow contestant.
I'm not sure what Lacey says or does in response, but it takes Dallas up to 11.
The greatest part of this shot isn't Dallas going all Joe Pesci crazy, it's Jes' delight in the proceedings. Look at her; it's like Christmas morning!
Again, the point of interest for me is the "ruh-roh" on Rodeo's face.
Dallas does not want Lacey in her face.
But Sam in her face is okay, because Sam is a much nicer person. You can almost hear Dallas saying, "Oh, okay, cupcake. But only 'cause you asked."
Rather than assault Lacey physically, Dallas decides to assault her visually, donning every item of animal products (including fake animal print) she can. The other girls help her with this with a joy that's contagious. I can't tell if they're gleeful because it's such a goofy kind of showdown or because just about everybody hates Lacey. I'm cool either way.
Faceoff! Hmmmm. Dallas wins for fabulosity, but the busy-ness of the outfit takes away from its power. Unable to compete with a mere t-shirt, Lacey starts yelling at Dallas to shut her mouth and listen. But she does so...
... in a counterproductive way.
Oh yes, Rodeo. She went there.
Lacey tells Dallas that she's a waste of sperm and egg, which for some reason really puts me off omlettes for a couple days. Dallas tells Lacey not to touch her and walks off. This is Lacey's cue to start dogging Dallas' steps and asking her, in this creepy little voice, to show Lacey her rabbit-fur coat.
Dallas keeps pushing Lacey away with more and more force, but Lacey keeps coming back. She admits to the camera that she's trying to antagonize Dallas into hitting her so Dallas will get thrown off the show. Nice. Finally, things reach a head.
Three things occurred to me during this set-to:
- Was Rodeo a bouncer once? 'Cause that's a pretty effective move.
- Hey, speaking of bouncers, where the hell is Big John?!
- Lacey's insistence that she wasn't riled up reminded me of Walter Sobchak telling The Dude, "I'm calmer than you are" after pulling a gun on poor Smokey at the bowling alley.
While all hell is breaking loose inside, Bret is taking Madgalena and Sam on their date out at the pool. They're going to watch home movies of Bret, and then he'll ask them to tell him their life stories. Which is actually a pretty cool idea for a date. The only down side is...
... they have to watch The Making of Bret Michaels. Which is an actual movie Bret released.
[The only thing that could have been worse -- or better, depending on your delight in bad film -- is if they had watched A Letter from Death Row, the 1998 wrongfully-accused movie Bret wrote, co-directed, produced, composed and starred in. He even did his own stunts! And he performed just about every song on the soundtrack, including "69," "Steel Bar Blues," "Little Willy" and "WW Sex."]
When asked to tell Bret about herself, Sam says that she has a learning disability that makes it hard to focus. Her description makes it sound kinda like ADD or Adult ADD or ADHD or HD-DVD or something. It seems that music helps her focus and keeps her motivated, so she's very passionate about music.
Magdalena is a little nervous about how much Bret and Sam have in common. As they're swapping recommendations for heavy metal workout music, Magdalena is clearly trying to think of a strategy. What she comes up with isn't great: "I'm not a fan of yours." Ouch.
What she meant to say is that growing up in Poland, Mags didn't get much exposure to Poison. She's trying to spin it that she's there for Bret as a person rather than Bret as a rock music figure. Bret kinda buys this, and suggests that the 3 of them head inside to continue their date.
In the Big Mistake Boudoir (this week's interpretation of the BMB on the door of Bret's bedroom), Magdalena finally starts working her magic. She knows she can't appeal to Bret's musician's ego, but she can appeal to his id and libido. She and Bret snog for a bit, then he turns to Sam for some sugar. Sam tells the camera that she felt really weird watching Bret make out with someone she's come to think of as a friend.
That doesn't stop Sam from making out with Bret for, like, half an hour, though. But when they separate, she does tell him that she feels a little weird. (Check her out up there. She's a face-toucher, is Samantha.) She says something about wanting to have an orgasm but not feeling right about someone else being there -- and here, I'm not sure if she means Magdalena, the camera crew, the viewing audience or some combination. But all Bret hears is the word "orgasm" and he starts trying to talk Sam into hooking up that evening. No dice. He's left alone and horny with low blood sugar.
Sam says that when she kissed Bret, she heard angels singing "because [she's] a dork." I'm not quite sure Sam realizes that when Bret goes off on his spiel about "life on the road" and "every night's a party," what he is actually saying is: "I will cheat on you every single night I'm out of town. Every single night. And not just with telegenic applicants who have undergone an STD test and a background check for VH1, oh no. I will be cheating on you with random women who go to Poison concerts. Every single night." Somehow, I just don't think Sam will be okay with that.
And just as I start to worry about Sam and her chances here at the Herpes House, I suddenly remember that I truly don't want her to wind up with Bret because I think she deserves much better. Why is it that I keep forgetting that?
With apologies to Michael McDonald...
I keep forgettin’ that Bret’s no prize for these girls
I keep forgettin’ he will never be a good boyfriend
I keep forgettin’ he’s kinda greasy and stank
I keep forgettin’, yeah
Every time he leers
Every time he beams that oily smile
Tongues a few skanks
Causing me to choke on my own bile
Then I know, that it’s hard to view
Him talking ‘bout boning girls who are 22
‘Cause I think he…
He keeps forgettin’ he’s not 19 anymore
He keeps forgettin’ he will never be that hot again
He keeps forgettin’ he's Botoxed up to his ears
He keeps forgettin’, yeah
Every time he says
He’s turned on by some stupid thing
I wonder how much Viagra
Is laced into his insulin
And speaking of laces, what’s up with that hair?
Is it a wig, extensions or plugs up there?
Poor ol’ thing, he...
He keeps forgettin’ he’s aging, same as us all
He keeps forgettin’ his daughters and their friends are watching this
He keeps forgettin’ the joke just might be on him
He keeps forgettin’, yeah
(Damn, that's a really good song. I shouldn't have done that to it.) Moving on. The next day, Big John delivers a note to the pool, where the girls are hanging out. Mention is made of Bret's evening with Madgalena and Sam...
Aww! I like that Sam still thinks she and Magdalena are friends (even if right now, Magdalena is potentially figuring out how to poison Sam's food). I finally noticed that Sam is almost as tall as Magdalena. For some reason, I find that interesting.
Brandi M. and Rodeo will be joining Bret for fun in the sun that day. They both dress for exposure...
... rather than actual attractiveness. I do like how they're visually representative of the "bad girl" and the "good girl" in their near-matching unflattering outfits.
In the limo on the way to their date, Bret can no longer contain himself. "So what happened in the house last night? Give me the gossip, give me the dirt!" I kinda like him for that. He's not going to pretend he's above dishing about the goings-on in the house.
Rodeo starts telling him about Lacey and Dallas. She says Lacey wants to protect animals more than people, and I'm not sure if that's Rodeo's take on animal rights in general (if so, boo!) or Lacey in particular (if so, well, yeah). Bret tells the camera that Lacey will either make passionate love to him or stab him in his sleep. News flash, Bret: she could very well do both.
The first part of the date involves custom bikinis selected by bikinier-to-the-stars Ashley Paige. Bret greets her warmly, and while it's nice to see a guy with female friends, I start to wonder if Bret knows any women who weigh more than 140 pounds.
Brandi clearly doesn't, although I can't say as that bikini looks terribly flattering or comfortable on her. I can't imagine trying to swim in that; I'd be worried it would fall off.
The bikini is also making Bret's jeans uncomfortable. Yes, that gesture means exactly what you think it does.
Damn, even the shoes are uncomfortable!
Rodeo looks more at home in her bikini, and I like her sense of "move aside, youngster, let me show you how it's done."
Back at the ranch, Heather, Brandi C., Lacey and Kristia are drawing caricatures of the girls in the house -- including themselves. (I love Heather's, which looks like a topless, implanted Shiva with a beer in each hand and a leg hooked around a pole.) This one is, of course, Dallas.
This is Jes, which they call "Clavical" [sic]. Honestly, I'm amazed that any of these four know what a clavicle is; I'll let them slide on the spelling.
After leaving the bikini shop, Bret takes Rodeo and Brandi to lunch at a rooftop restaurant. I'm totally mystified as to where they got these new outfits from, but that soon becomes the least confusing part of the meal.
Wait, Rodeo collects swords? She's worried about the unstable Lacey being around Bret's kids, but she collects bladed weapons with a kid of her own? Oh, and I kneel reverently before the editors who juxtaposed Rodeo's declaration of class with her declaration of loving it doggy style. Excellent work, my friends. I'm also digging Brandi M. for her skepticism of the Amazing Life of Rodeo.
Once Bret and the ladies return from their date, he tries to talk with a few of the women he feels he hasn't connected with yet.
Kristia doesn't seem to impress him that much. However, when he goes off on his whole "I'll be on the road a lot (cheating on you with anything blonde and implanted)" thing, she responds, "I have a life, too," meaning she wouldn't be pining away for him. I like her for that. Bret, seemingly, doesn't. But he notes that she has the "teeniest ass" he's ever seen. I'm not sure if that's a plus or not, but Bret does remind me a lot of the Bill Paxton character in True Lies, who sang the praises of a woman with "the ass of a 10-year-old boy."
It is pretty tiny.
Bret talks to Sam a bit more to see how she felt about the previous night. She tries to direct his eyes to hers, saying, "Look at me when you talk to me." Bret, ever the assayer of goods, says, "Oh, I was looking at you: your body, your legs." Oh, Sam. You can do so much better.
You know who can't do better?
Yup. I've decided that she and Heather truly deserve Bret. I figure if we have a cage match to the death between them to see who gets Bret... everybody wins.
Speaking of fights to the death, Bret talks to Lacey about the whole showdown the night before, then brings out Dallas to maximize the drama. But Dallas isn't going to play that game. When Lacey starts going off, Dallas says calmly, "I'm not trying to date you." She says that Lacey is entitled to her opinion as long as she doesn't try to force it on anybody else. Oh, Dallas. That kind of rationality won't get you anywhere!
Bret tells the camera that he eats meat and he grew up hunting (and I suspect that his insulin isn't exactly cruelty-free either), but he still feels a connection to Lacey that he doesn't feel to Dallas. Oy.
At elimination, we get the normal crimes against aesthetics that we've come to expect, plus a couple surprises.
Rodeo, hon, after a certain age, makeup is all about soft colors and smudgy lines. Dramatic makeup makes everybody look older (hell, that's why teenagers wear it).
See? Too much makeup makes you look like a stringy, overcured ham -- oh, wait. That's Heather's natural state. But the makeup makes it worse.
Wearing leather... again.
Brandi M. gets the first pass. Jes expresses surprise that she's still near the top of the list, despite having almost no one-on-one time with Bret. That's because you're gorgeous, dear. Now, work that clavicle like it's a neckbone! (Which it almost is.)
Okay, you know what's worse than scowling Heather?
Smiling Heather. Eep! (This, I fear, is what Lisa Marie Presley will look like in about 25 years.)
This is Mia. She gets a pass. I'd love to hear her thoughts on this whole nutty enchilada, but she hasn't spoken to the camera yet. Who is this enigma, VH1?!
Finally, there's one pass left, and Dallas, Lacey and Kristia are still standing. Kristia is told that she'll be going home and Brandi C. tries her best to cry...
... and settles for looking upset. Well, this is the caliber of acting you get when you list "no gag reflex" as a skill on your resume.
So it's down to Dallas and Lacey, and Bret says that although the lucky girl is crazy, they have a connection. That tells Dallas all she needs to know.
Can't say as I blame her. Nor can I blame her for pretty much walking out.
I'm not sure which is more galling: the way Bret summoned her over or his wounded sense of class. (People who talk about class a lot tend to be somewhat lacking in it. I realize that with this recap, that kinda includes me.) No, actually the most galling thing was Lacey having to have the last word to Dallas. Not just the last word, though: the last dance.
Good choice, there, Bret. I'm sure that'll work out just fine.
After Bret regains his composure, he leads the remaining skanks (and Jes and Sam and maybe Brandi M.) in a toast. What do they toast with?
Bret's Brew! He's just an entrepreneurial machine, ain't he?
Next week, the rock lifestyle keeps rolling on, as someone smashes a guitar while topless (metal, dude!)...
... and a weasel pile occurs in the Blister-Makin' Bedroom.
But the best part? The song contest.
To quote Michael McDonald again, yah mo be there.
Wait, wait, you forgot the best exchange of the night:
Brandi: What is that that you're wearing?
Rodea: It's "Beautiful" by Estee Lauder.
Brandi: Smells musty.
Posted by: LeeLee | August 02, 2007 at 10:12 PM
That song was pure beauty and so filled with truth! If Bret read it he would feel threatened...not to mention insulted. I, however, laughed.
I don't hate Bret enough to feel that he deserves to end up with Lacey, the way I was starting to feel that Flav deserved to end up with New York, but he and Heather definitely deserve each other for some heavy skank on skank action. Which I happily will never be a part of.
Posted by: cheesemeister | August 03, 2007 at 03:17 AM
... and please god may I never be a witness to the above noted skank on skank action.
Thanks as always for a lovely recap. You never fail to catch the finer points that I sometimes miss, but I hope for your sake that doesn't mean that you have to watch these episodes over and over again. Sanity, and all.
To think, I actually liked Lacey initially. What a freaking bitch. Don't blame Dallas a bit for her walk off, and thought she was classier than most of the broads there. Except for the whole puppy throat slitting thing. I really hope that she was just baiting Lacey.
Posted by: Mindi | August 03, 2007 at 11:20 AM
LeeLee: I was unsure if Brandi was saying "musty" or "musky" so I actually went to the perfume counter and smelled Beautiful.
I'm still not sure. Could be either one! But that was a great bit of interaction, wasn't it?
Posted by: Catherine Cantieri | August 03, 2007 at 12:00 PM
All I can think about is your comment from a week ago about Dallas looking like Eddie Murphy in "Coming to America". HILARIOUS!
p.s. Is it just me, or does Jes look like Nelly Furtado?
Posted by: Kim | August 03, 2007 at 01:26 PM
One more thing. Don't the "drawings" the "A-Team" produce look like they were drawn by Rita, the MRF from "Arrested Development"? Next thing you know, they're going to want to walk across the ocean.
Posted by: Kim | August 03, 2007 at 04:35 PM
Does he OR doesn't he? Does he wear a friggin wig or what? It certainly looked that way at the last supper he and Jes shared. The hair at the top of his head looked like strands of polyester!
Posted by: chester | October 01, 2007 at 08:13 PM