Bionic banality

Out of curiosity, I watched the premiere of Bionic Woman last night. I love the whole concept of cyborgs; I vaguely remember how cool I thought the original was; I recognized Michelle Ryan from the surprisingly involving Jekyll on BBC America this summer. Sure, what the hell, I thought. Let's give it a shot.

Within seconds I had a whole new reason to watch: Katee Sackhoff! Starbuck! Yeaaaa, I thought, now that she won't have that whole Apollo soap opera to drag her down, she can bring that wild-eyed, smart-ass feral energy like nobody else! But even though Sackhoff isn't shackled to a turgid infidelity plot in this show, she still has to overcome a show that seems determined not to let her shine the way she can.

Part of my problem with Bionic Woman is that the dialogue is seriously clunky. I know it's a premiere and you have to provide some context for the characters, but damn, it was getting lousy with exposition up in there. Memo to the screenwriters: It's okay to just hint at things, especially in the first episode. There is simply no need for lines like "I mean, I'm a bartender and a college dropout; what do you see in me? You're a professor [-- "and a surgeon," he helpfully adds]." Or, "You know you're not supposed to be anywhere near a computer."

Speaking of which, must we -- must we -- contend with the bratty little sister? I hated Dawn on Buffy and I don't like her one little bit more now that she's some kind of hacker who's already been prosecuted for federal crimes. Couldn't we have just one super-strong female protagonist who doesn't have to take attitude from a 10th-grader? Or would that make The Man sweat? 'Cause I'm pretty sure they wouldn't saddle Steve Austin with this kind of crap.

And while we're at it, if your main villain has stated that they have no specific motivation? You fail as a screenwriter. "Why are you doing this?" "I don't know." That can be a powerful moment if it signals a realization that a character's quest is empty and precedes some soul-searching and a change in the character. If it precedes a fight scene, though? It just makes the viewer yell "Then why the hell am I watching this?!" which startles the cat.

My other main problem with the show is more personal. When I watch the kind of show that places an ordinary person in an extraordinary situation, I tend to think about what I'd do in those circumstances. If I had 3 cybernetic limbs, amazing hearing and eyesight and a bunch of fighting techniques downloaded into my brain and body, I'd pretty much do whatever the hell I wanted. I'd find a reprehensible rich person, take some of their money, and use it to send my bratty little sister to boarding school (after making a point of pulverizing a silicon dummy to show her why she'd want to stay in school and become a model citizen). I'd remodel my depressing apartment in half an hour, flat. I'd physically move slower cars into the right-hand lane.

What I would not do is listen to Miguel Ferrer tell me he owns me and that I belong to him now. Nope, I'd reach over with my bionic arm and twist his head off like it was a non-child-proof cap. Then I'd find Katee Sackhoff, sing "Why Can't We Be Friends?" to win her over, and then have some awesome ass-kicking adventures.

Damn. The Bionic Woman in my head is so much better than the one on the screen. I'll TiFaux it for the Sackhoff, but I'll keep one finger on "fast-forward."

What new shows are you already disappointed with? ("Journeyman" didn't sit too well with me, either.)

Comments

[tulip]

"What I would not do is listen to Miguel Ferrer tell me he owns me and that I belong to him now. Nope, I'd reach over with my bionic arm and twist his head off like it was a non-child-proof cap."

OK, I just snorted diet-coke onto my laptop and that shit is NOT cool!! ;)
Just that image is better than the whole pilot. And why aren't YOU writing for my TV shows again???

So glad you're back!

[bstewart23]

I've mentioned this, er, elsewhere, but I must seriously recommend doing something wrong (and bad (and wrong)) and "acquiring" the pre-air pilot, which features less-predictable editing, a much cooler (and better-motivated) little sister, awesome music (which was gutted for the aired version) and, for me, only one clunky moment of overemphasized Girl Power pandering.

NBC's ham-handed meddling in this show can't be a good thing.

[Cheesemeister]

I'm afraid that my reaction to seeing that they were remaking the Bionic Woman was "oh puh-leeze, you have GOT to be kidding!" There really is nothing new under the sun.