9-3: Hanging by a thin thread

Sometimes a show drops all pretense of metaphor and makes the subtext the text. So it was in this week's ANTM, when the traditional "learning how to walk" episode went on ahead and put the girls in straitjackets.

See? It's crazy fun! Or... something.

We open with scenes of Bianca trying to mess with her competitors, first by telling Kimberley that her horrible walk is fierce, then by getting into a pointless squabble with Saleisha after hearing about the latter's modeling experience. I dunno, I don't get a genuinely malicious vibe from Bianca, just a pointless drama kind of vibe.

But drama is, of course, the very point of this show, so the usual walking tutorial takes place in "a former mental hospital" and involves straitjackets, because models have to learn to walk in constraining clothing. And yes, models do need to learn that, but usually it's their legs that are constrained -- oh, crap, I'm thinking. Best stop that.

After the lesson from Miss Jay, the girls participate in the least hokey fashion show I've seen on this series in a while. It features a lot of avant-garde designs, sure, but it does not take place in a church or a high school, which is a major step up. Saleisha wins the competition and gets a chance to walk the runway in the designer's Paris show. Score!

The unofficial runner-up, though, is Heather, who impresses just about everybody by doing a fairly competent job while having Ozbur -- er, Aspbergers. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to see Heather doing well, but she's only got a social condition, for God's sake; it's not like she's trying to model with leprosy here.

Oh dear Lord, Tyra, don't get any ideas.

I don't know what it says about me that I find this week's photo shoot to be relatively innocuous. Yeah. This show has inured me to insanity to the point that I find evening wear on a rock-climbing wall to be somewhat plausible. Let's look at the photos.

Ambreal looks just fine here. So far, she's been a solid performer, which sounds like a good thing, but in Tyra's world, that means she's not standing out. She'll either be eliminated halfway through the season in the classic "lack of personality" cut or she'll find her hook and work the hell out of it.

Have you guys ever seen the 2002 atrocity Juwanna Mann? If so... does Bianca look a bit familiar in this shot? I'm starting to wonder if Bianca has any idea what to do with those great bones of hers. But I get the feeling she'll go far, thanks to her penchant for drama.

I dig the pose Chantal strikes here, but she's just not standing out to me as a model. She's like the blond Ambreal that way.

Ebony has crazy long legs, but she's not sure yet what to do with her face. Which can be a problem for a model. I don't see her lasting past the next couple of weeks.

Heather's continued competence at modeling is nice to see, but I feel it's rather undercut by Tyra's determination to make a pet cause of her. Speaking of which, we now have a third pronunciation of Heather's condition: "Aspberjers," courtesy of Tyra. And honestly, is it that much of an achievement for a person with difficulty making eye contact to make "eye contact" with someone who isn't actually there, as Heather is in this picture? I really didn't get Tyra's praise this week. That woman confuses me.

Janet's body posture is great in this shot, but -- there's really no nice way to say this: her face looks pretty bad. As Tyra would say, she doesn't know how to work her angles yet. I give her a couple more weeks.

Jenah knocks it out of the park with this shot. Of course, it helps that she had a couple years' experience teaching rock-climbing, which probably helped her feel at home on the ropes. Still. Great photo.

Whoa. There's something really not great going on here. I can't decide if Kimberly looks more like a grumpy koala or a stoned elf in this picture. Tyra kept going on about Kimberly's ears, but there's so much wrong with the rest of her face that the best ears this side of Alfred E. Neuman couldn't save Kimberly. (That said: I called it last week! Woot!)

There's my girl Lisa, rocking the shot again. I must say, Jenah did better this week, but Lisa's still my favorite.

Hmm. I'm not sure what to do with this shot. Being so conventionally pretty, Saleisha has to work every bit of edginess she can. But this picture isn't doing much for me. I can't see Saleisha's face too well; I can't see the dress (which is the goal of any fashion editorial) and I'm left with a feeling of overall confusion by the shot. Or maybe it's my fear of heights talking. Tough to say.

Another lovely shot from Sarah. I hope a modeling agent somewhere is watching this and will give her the work she deserves. (I hope that about at least one girl every season. This time around, it's Sarah. Poor, only-slightly-thin thing.)

This is one of my favorite shots this week. I think Victoria is having the most fun out of any of the girls here, and has chosen a pose and expression that echoes some of the magazine work of the mid-60s. That, or she was as petrified as I would be and this great moment just accidentally happened. But if she keeps talking back to Twiggy (no matter how justified it may be), Victoria won't have many more chances for great moments like this.

So we bid farewell to Kimberly, but who can notice her departure with the promise of makeovers next week! I wonder who'll have a meltdown?

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