I am screaming and punching myself

9-4: Hair today, gone to--ow!

Okay, okay, I was asking for it with that line. But unlike previous weave-happy seasons, this year's crop of models lost a lot of hair in the makeover episode. Some were delighted, some not so much, but just about everybody looked better with less hair. And I think that's a vote of confidence in the actual beauty of the contestants this time around. Whether they realize it or not, most of these girls have faces that don't need any special framing to look fantastic.

Oh, and of course there's the requisite "ice-blond" makeover where the resulting hair looks like fried ass. It's almost a tradition on this show.

9-3: Hanging by a thin thread

Sometimes a show drops all pretense of metaphor and makes the subtext the text. So it was in this week's ANTM, when the traditional "learning how to walk" episode went on ahead and put the girls in straitjackets.

See? It's crazy fun! Or... something.

9-2: Smoke gets all up in your grill

(My apologies for being so late with this recap. On the plus side, though, not only will it be late, it'll be short! Yeaaa!)

The first couple episodes of any season of ANTM are all about thinning out the herd, getting rid of girls who probably shouldn't have made it into the house in the first place. But even as we're weeding out what doesn't belong on the show, we're introducing all kinds of new crap that doesn't belong on this show either. Tyra, God help us all, has apparently put her social conscience on steroids. This is going to be one message-heavy season, folks.

"I know, I know, it's stupid. Just keep telling yourselves that you might get a contract for ads nobody will ever see. And you might want to take this nicotine patch. Huh? Oh... no reason."

Catching up with the idiot box

I've checked my referral stats, and just about everyone who's been to the site in the past couple months has come from Google, where they've searched for "rock of love winner." (To the person who searched for "how long does it take to come out of a medically induced coma" -- buddy, whatever you're planning and whomever you're planning it for, don't do it.) So now that it's down to the final two, I guess I can spill the beans. Bear in mind, this is just something I've read on the Web, which means there's no guarantee whatsoever to its veracity.

I'm just relieved that Mia, Sam and Brandi M. were released from the compound unharmed.

8-12: At least it wasn't Renee

Oh, yeah. Sorry to spoil you there, but Renee doesn't make it into the ANTM final 2. In fact, let me spoil you completely: it's Jaslene. And when I figured out which way this was going, I was a bit disappointed, but overall it makes sense. And I'm sure Natasha will be fine; she's coped with much worse than being runner-up in a modeling competition. And hey, I got to see my girl Caridee again! (She looked a little beige, but that's just the inevitable side effects of spending a year as a Cover Girl.) Plus, we all got to see one of the stupidest runway shows ever.

Does anybody else feel like singing "Rock and Roll Creation" by Spinal Tap ?

8-11: Aboriginal sin

This episode of ANTM had pretty much everything you've come to expect as the season lurches into the homestretch. Indigenous cultures turned into cheesy challenges, strange photoshoots, someone getting sick, someone getting backstabby and someone getting cut.

Oh, the knives are out, all right.

8-10: Beach blanket boo-boo

I think I understand one of the reasons Tyra chose Australia as the destination for this cycle: these girls are having a hard enough time walking, chatting, showing up on time and deciphering TyraMail in English. If they had to do any of it in Italian, Japanese, French or Thai, they'd be reduced to four ectomorphic blobs of quivering flesh. (I say four rather than five because I'm pretty sure Natasha would charm her way through.)

As it is, watching them bumble through their appointed rounds is no day at the beach.

8-10: Clip service

Ordinarily, I wouldn't even bother blogging about a Top Model clip show, but the contestants this season were so genuinely entertaining, I can't help myself.

Seeing how great she looks in this wig made me wish that those long extensions had worked for Jael. Ah, I weep for what could have been. Or maybe it's the booze.

8-9: Natasha glows and Jael blunders

Damn. Once again, I must lead with an apology. Not only am I pressed for time, the CW web site has no portfolio pictures from this week, and most of the candid shots are underwhelming, too. So in keeping with the theme of learning something new from travel, I'm going to simply list a few things we now know that we didn't know before this episode.

I swear, ANTM, sometimes I don't know if I love or hate you, or some twisted combination of the two.

8-8: Action!

First, let me apologize for how brief this recap is. It's been a busy week, and frankly, this was a lame episode. One thing I've got to give ANTM: they find a new way to be silly with the photoshoot just about every week. This time, they had previous ANTM contestants return to recreate "infamous moments" in the show. It's like an especially dispiriting Career Day at a vo-tech school.

Oh, yeah: and the acting challenge. 'Cause nothing releases the muse like a wacky hat!