I am screaming and punching myself

8-7: A girl named Brown

My willingness to suspend my disbelief varies when it comes to ANTM episodes. Sometimes, I can say, "Eh, sure. Yeah. This might actually have some bearing on their work as a model someday." Other times, I just stare at the TV and occasionally say aloud, "Why the hell are they doing that?!" I thought that response had reached its zenith with the drag photos, but this week's itinerary for the girls really took the prize.

From start to finish, this episode made no damn sense. Well, maybe the elimination did, a little tiny bit, but the rest of it? The "lesson"? The challenge? The photo shoot? Every bit as ridiculous as the four faces of Tyra here. (Check out "empathetic"!)

8-6: Cross-dress for success

My tempestuous relationship with ANTM continues. On the one hand, Sears??? On the other hand, I was quite entertained by this week's photo shoot. On the one hand, the shoot bore almost no resemblance to anything an actual model may have to do. (On that same hand, the CW website has yet to post candid photos from the episode.) On the other hand... I think I'm falling for Natasha.

It's a complicated thing we've got, baby.

8-5: Dead sexy

I know it's been forever since the episode aired, but I've had a hard time getting juiced about this season, and this episode in particular creeped me right out. I'm used to a certain amount of exploitation and objectification of the contestants; after all, that's what modeling is. But I think ANTM finally went a decomposing hair too far with this week's shoot.

Almost as appalling as the "dead is the new hot" photo shoot is the fact that the episode was kinda ... boring.

8-4: The hair has changed, but the bitchface remains

Yea, it's the makeover episode! Every season on this show, we get to see what the show's producers think the contestants should look like (when they're not giving them moving wigs and clown make-up for the photo shoots, anyway). The show made a ridiculously overt attempt to cut off any makeover-related drama at the pass, but who needs girls crying over their hair when you've got a genuine tragedy in one girl's life and Renee doing her best to introduce tragedy into anyone else's life?

Sorry, Tyra, you did your hammy-yet-cheesy thing for naught.

8-3: Most likely to annoy me

This week, it's back to high school for our contestants, most of whom aren't that far out of high school yet and some of whom act like they're still in third grade.

You remember how last week, I picked Samantha for the dark horse contestant, citing her great photo? Totally off-base. (Just like when I predicted Romance for the final two on I Love New York and the little freak got ousted the next week.) I should probably quit trying to guess these things.

Instead, I'm going to focus on yelling at Renee to shut up. Hell, I might even design a little icon for the Renee STFU tally. But that'll have to wait until next week; right now, let's go back to school. I'll be stuffed in my locker if you need me.

8-1&2: Bless this hot mess

Is it me, or is the current crop of America's Next Top Model contestants a little lackluster? We're talking Naima/Nicole lame, here. Maybe the show is starting to show its age. Maybe the modeling profession itself is in a bit of a downturn. Maybe potential contestants took Tyra's exhortation to kiss her "fat" ass a little too personally. Whatever the reason, I'm just not seeing a top non-model yet.

Yeah, I know.

7-12: Yeaaaaaa, I was wrong!

Woo hoo! I could not have been more off-base in my predictions for the winner of ANTM! I'm so happy to have been full of crap about that, because I've felt for months now that CariDee should win this kettle of fish.

I just hope she doesn't go the route of Naima and Nicole. Who? Exactly.

7-11: I can see where this is heading

Tyra? No. No. I can totally tell what you're going to try to sell me next week and the answer is "Absolutely not." I can just imagine it right now: the final two boil down to Eugena and Melrose, and you know what I say to that?

Bull, Tyra.

7-10: CariDee? No, CariDum.

(I know, I know, it's about five days late and there's another stupid episode airing tomorrow night, but I felt the need to recap ANTM if only for consistency's sake.)

I've spoken before about my Thing About Twins, my conviction that they're always telepathically plotting the death of everyone around them. But while Michelle and Amanda have been sweet and kind (regardless of what they were truly thinking), I can't help but wonder if perhaps my dear CariDee has unexpectedly picked up an evil twin. Maybe she's like Niki in Heroes, only her undead doppelganger isn't beating up gangsters, she's making CariDee look like a right idiot. Let's call this dark half CariDum.

7-9: How do you say "stupid" in Catalan?

(Estúpida. But I'm not sure you pronounce it like it's spelled. Which was kind of the point this week -- if such a thing can be said to exist.)

Like a pair of twins communicating telepathically, the CW Web site is trying to kill me. They haven't posted pictures from the most recent ANTM episode or videos of the commercials, and it's been five days since the little bastard aired! What are they doing over there? Tyra, I'm telling you right now: I am not going to record this damn show onto DVD. If you don't want to see more generic art like this map of Spain, go holler at the CW Webmasters.