I am screaming and punching myself

Well, we have our answer

I guess Isaac Cohen discovered he just wasn't that into Britney. I tell ya, there's something about being thrown up on that's really off-putting. To either his credit or his shame, though, he waited to sever ties until he'd picked up a crapload of hideously tacky stuff from Ed Hardy.

Yeah, supposedly, she's single again. I'm losing count; is this the second or the third dude she's dated since filing for divorce two months ago? (And does Paris Hilton figure into the count anywhere?)

(The usual jacked-up pictures after the jump.)

How to tell if your guy really loves you

Years ago, Richard Pryor had a comedy bit that went something like, "How can you tell if your woman really loves you? ... Will she have your dog?" (The delivery really made it.) I guess in the next few days, we'll get to see if Isaac Cohen really loves Britney, because a similar sort of test has been administered to him.

Apparently, Baby Girl threw up on him in a car. I must admit, I've never had my love tested in this way, but I'm sure I'd pass the test for Jason, and most of the other boyfriends I've had. However, if I'd just started dating someone and they couldn't manage to hold it together during that early, best-behavior stage of the relationship... I'd probably start looking for the door.

What it means to be "pants-challenged"

I said in yesterday's post that Britney seems to lack a basic awareness of clothing, especially the magnificent garments known to the world as pants. (Buy. Sell. Trade. Love.) Her usual outfit involves a skirt so short it looks like she neglected to put on pants to go with her long top.

But even when she does wear pants, she gets them so very wrong.

Won't someone think of the puppies?

Ah, man. I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Britney has acquired a new helpless, dependent mammal, despite a less-than-stellar track record with such creatures. She's had several dogs before -- a beagle named Lucky, a pocket rat named Lacey and a teacup chihuahua named BitBit. None of those dogs live with her now; she passed them along to relatives when their canine behavior proved to be too much trouble and mess.

But like Dot in Raising Arizona, who always needed something to cuddle, she couldn't just get one of her damn dogs back from the folks who have been keeping them. Oh, no, she had to go out and get a brand-new puppy.

Let's make it official

I admit it: I'm obsessed with Britney Spears, especially her recent downward spiral. Every day, I check the gossip blogs to see what new godawful pictures have surfaced of her looking like a tar-papered mess. And based on my readership stats, I'm not the only one who's fascinated. So I'm introducing a new feature: BritneyWatch.

I can't promise an update every day; the little bumpkin is nothing if not unpredictable. But I can promise that when something particularly stupid or unappealing goes down in BritneyTown, you'll know about it. Think of this icon as the Bat Signal for Britney-related cautionary tales.

BritneyWatch 1/03/07

I'm starting to get the feeling that Britney Spears is not long for this world. I'm not even talking about the world of celebrity (although she's in free-fall from that one), I'm talking about the world of physical beings. She's looking rough lately. And while I would like her to go away somewhere for a nice long time (even if it meant I'd actually have to write about other topics), I don't want her to expire or anything. So you can imagine my concern over this picture...

It's never too late to ruin a year!

Happy New Year, everybody! I hope '07 finds you tanned, rested and ready. While the rest of us were popping champagne and watching Dick Clark's ball drop, some celebrities were taking this last opportunity to make 2006 "the year of The Big Mistake" (or, in some cases, just reinforce the horror of aught-six). When Michael Jackson smooching James Brown's corpse is the most normal celebrity sight from a holiday weekend, you know something is seriously awry.

(Photos snagged from ohnotheydidnt.)

Lose custody in four easy steps!

(I really should just designate a damn Britney category, shouldn't I?) Remember last month, when Brit-n-Shit split up and he filed for custody of their two kids? Remember how we all laughed and said, 'Oh, right! Like any judge is going to award custody to your scraggly ass!'

It's not looking like such a sure thing anymore, is it?

(Pics snagged from ohnotheydidnt, except where noted.)

I stank like a skank

In which I smell like a celebrity so you don't have to.

Did you know Britney Spears now has three fragrances out? And, inexplicably, none of them smell like weed and Cheetos? (And they apparently are doing incredibly good business in spite of the absolute train wreck Britney has become?)

In the name of science, I decided to see whether these three scents lived up to their advertising and promotional descriptions and just what the hell Britney thinks we should smell like if not Cheetos and weed.

When you make Paris Hilton look good...

... something is terribly, terribly wrong. Yet that is exactly what Britney Spears has spent the past ten days doing. Laboring under the apparent belief that if you cancel the marriage, any offspring magically disappear, Britney has been partying with Paris Hilton every night since November 19, resulting in a variety of horrifying photo ops.

(All photos snagged from Oh No They Didn't unless otherwise noted.)

I'm sure you're already trying to minimize the window so your co-workers don't see Britney's boobs hanging out for all the world to see. But, my dear friend, we've seen a lot more of Britney this week. A lot more. (Don't worry; I won't post the worst pictures. I won't even describe them too much.)