I am screaming and punching myself

2-4: Dances with Flav

The midseason slump appears to have hit Flavor of Love. Despite the appearance of bad/strange/sleazy dancing, which is usually guaranteed to put a smile on my face, this episode left me feeling rather blah.

My thoughts exactly, Buckeey.

2-3: I'd Like To Knock Bootz ... Senseless

I'm not sure if this episode was uniquely offensive on its own, or if we're finally seeing the results of Flav getting a producer's credit and, presumably, more input into the show's content. Either way, Flav is edging close to "Dead To Me" territory.

 

But at least he'll have company.

FoL 2-2: Riding the Pole on the Bus with my Sister

After the Drippy Brown Menace of last week, this sophomore episode of the sophomore season was bound to deliver something of a slump. How spoiled we have become, when a Flavor of Love episode that includes pole-dancing in a moving vehicle and a table dance in public elicits a mere "Meh."

 

What is it with Flav and poultry? I have never seen anyone eat so damn much chicken in my life. Foxes don't eat this much chicken.

2-1: Somethin Stinky This Way Comes

Which is more appalling: a fight in the first 30 minutes, a skank all sloppy drunk in the first 30 minutes or poop on the floor? (Poop on the floor.) Which is more disturbing: body shots with total strangers, lesbian panic or poop on the floor? (Poop on the floor.) Which is more entertaining: a skank with a bad lisp, a Flav-to-English translator or poop on the floor? (Poop on the floor.)

Honestly, I'm a little bit concerned, and not just because I've got to recap poop on the floor. How can they possibly top this episode? (My friend Maggie theorizes that someone will die this season. Sadly, I've already got a couple nominees.)

 

Soon...

I know, I know: the premiere of Flavor of Love Season 2 is still blowing your mind. I promise you, once I get the screen-caps captured, the recap will be posted. I worry that they've set the bar too high: a fight, a spy, lesbian panic, a Flav translator, a perpetually drunk chick, body shots and poop on the floor -- all in one episode. Where can it go from here? Watch this space, y'all.

In the meantime, let's wonder what the rezoned hell Britney was thinking when she put this outfit together:

FoL 1-11: Reunited, and It Feels So Very Wrong

Who is this woman and why is she on my TV?

No, I'm asking here. She says her name is "LaLa," as if it's supposed to have some meaning, but I'm drawing a complete blank. "LaLa" -- whoever she may be -- has drawn the short straw and must host/referee the reunion show of Flavor of Love's first season. And so I must recap it.

Oh, yeah. It's gonna be that kind of night.

FoL 1-10: Flav Picks a ... Winner?

I'm just going to apologize up front: this is probably the most boring episode of Flavor of Love. I'm only recapping it because you have to see how the damn thing ends, and the way Flav announces his pick is pretty classic. Also, the stuff with the gold teeth is okay. But this episode lacks the magic of, say, Hottie stuffing a carrot in a chicken's ass and nuking it for a minute and a half.

So, come on. As I said to my friend Glen halfway through Titanic, "All right, let's sink this fucker."

FoL 1-9: Do You Remember the Time?

Do you remember the time Flavor met some skanks?
Do you remember the time New York looked stank, girl?
Do you remember the time Hottie played for bank?
Do you remember the tiiiiiiime?

Flavor de Amor 1-8: Meet NY's Moms/Loogie!

Now, to most viewers, this episode was memorable because of the loogie Pumkin spat onto New York. I've included that video in this recap for the loogie-lovers. (Someone on YouTube dubbed it "Flavor of Spit." Hee!)

But to me, this episode was most memorable for its introduction of one of the greatest reality-TV villains of all time: New York's moms. This walking nightmare provides strong evidence that "asshole" is a dominant trait when carried on the mother's side.

Flavor-o-Love 1-6: Brigitte Neilsen Busts Out a Lie Detector

Relative to the wacky antics of the first two episodes that I've recapped here, this is a comparatively tame hour in the company of Flav and the skanks. It's still utterly jacked-up, though, so it makes for good viewing. It's easy to get overwhelmed by Flavor of Love. Some columnist on ESPN described it thusly: "Each episode is like a fine port, and must be savored." No, I don't remember who; my brain is uniquely configured to disregard all sports-related information immediately.

They both are so excited, 'cause they're... reunited, hey hey.