I am screaming and punching myself

"...and by 'great,' we mean 'unwearable' "

I'm still a little confused about last night's crowning of Jeffrey as the third winner of Project Runway. On the one hand, his collection didn't make me shake my head the way Michael's did, and there were even a couple of pieces in there that I thought were OK. On the other hand, even the judges said that Uli's collection was something every woman could wear and would want to wear, and it showed a lot more range than I'd seen in her earlier designs. Plus, she didn't go over budget, nor did she have any pieces disqualified. So of course she doesn't win! I just don't get it.

The Project Runway universe turns upside down

Whoa. Black is white. Gravity lifts you up. Paperwork is fun. I felt like I was watching an episode of Project Runway filmed in an alternate universe, where Michael stumbles, Laura gets on my nerves and Neck-Boy comes across as thoughtful and vaguely sympathetic. I feel like there's nothing I can count on in this crazy world anymore.

Well, at least I can count on Uli to make that same dress every week. Whew!

Those poor, poor producers

Michael may have won the Fan Favorite Award (yeaaaa!) at the reunion show, but the producers of Project Runway won my undying sympathy for the indignities they've suffered. Not only do they have to accompany the contestants everywhere -- including to the john -- but they've been slandered by Keith and profanely berated by Vincent. I mean, yeah, they get to wear Danzig t-shirts to work, but at what cost, my dear producers? At what cost?

(If you look closely at the check, you can see that someone has drawn what appears to be a talking bowling pin on it. There's a story I yearn to hear.)

Four on the floor

I was relieved that nobody got cut in this semi-final episode. Given a choice between Michael and Neck-Boy, I was worried that the judges would pick the drama dingus rather than the usually-dependable achiever who made a misstep. Although, frankly, everybody choked a bit. What is it with the penultimate challenge that brings out the timidity in some, the desperation in others and the inspiration in damn near nobody?

... And Assy All Over

Okay, you need a dress for a cocktail party with a black-and-white theme. You're young, fabulous and svelte (you are, in other words, not me). You are not a prostitute. Which dress do you choose? Which do you consider fondly? And which provokes you to punch the designer?

The pants of a clown

(When Vincent's no longer around.) I totally didn't get Neck-Boy's couture-esque dress this week, and have no idea how it won. Honestly, my reaction to his choice of fabric was as follows: "clown pants."

Now, there's some sad things known to man, but ain't too much sadder than whatever the hell is happening on that bodice.

Because you just can't make a jerk happy

What a quotable episode this was! "That was a happy choice." "I'm the twist." "You're trapped in time, and the time is Elvis." Let me add to that: "I thought you couldn't make a jacket in a day, you walking pustule!"

Great. By giving his little rawk-poseur-by-way-of-Bedazzler costume the win, they're just encouraging him.

Sweet Child o' Mine

...and sweet mother of God. Neck-Boy is so dead to me now that he's got a hideous Y-shaped incision on his torso and his internal organs have been removed, weighed and stuffed back inside his putrid carcass. I can't believe what a shit he was to Angela's mom.

And I can't believe that Laura is about to become a mom for the sixth time at age 42. More power to you, girl! (We're friends again; I can't stay away from someone who says about their impending baby, "I'll just throw it on the pile with the other ones." Hee!)

First of all, I didn't even know y'all were bitches

Well, I did in the case of Neck-Boy. But damn, the claws came out this week! I'd tell Laura she isn't my July-August PR girlfriend anymore... if I weren't afraid she'd cut me.

With her sternum.

Hot pants! How! Hot pants!

(That was a James Brown song, right? I didn't just make that up so long ago that it's become real to me, did I?)

Finally, a wrong is made right. Michael has won his first challenge on his own, with the help of his model, and with the exquisite Pam Grier serving as his muse. Great designer, great model, awesome inspiration -- you can't go wrong. Pam Grier totally would have worn that outfit, and she would have rocked it.

(Sorry the pic is so tiny; the Project Runway site is making it tricky to crib a shot of this particular outfit. Dear Lord, please don't sue me, nice people at Bravo.)