I am screaming and punching myself

I am dancing and hugging myself

That sound you heard last night at about 10:30 Eastern time was me blasting out a bellowing laugh and yelling, "Suck it, you entitled, arrogant dingrod!" Keith's well-deserved ejection from the show was so satisfying, I needed a cigarette -- and I don't even smoke. Take your duck lips and your never-been-combed hair and get the hell off my TV, Keith! Say hello to your "good mommy" for me -- and ask her if she raised you to be a slimy cheat.

Honestly, the competition itself was almost secondary to Keith being kicked off. After I quit giggling and noticed that the designers were back in the workroom, I was like, 'Oh, yeah, they still have to make outfits and stuff. Huh.'

Aw, whoooo's a dickweed? Yes he is! Yes he IS!

What could be better than the combination of two of my favorite things, dogs and Project Runway?

1. Keith being rushed to the hospital following a well-earned beatdown from Laura. ("She's Bad Mommy. I had a good mommy." Actually, you little stain, good mommies stick up for the people they care about, like Laura did for Michael, while bad mommies raise their kids to think the sun shines out of their ass and they can do no wrong.) Sadly, this option did not occur this week.

2. Adding Ivanka Trump to the mix! Now, if you hadn't seen the most recent season of The Apprentice, you might have rolled your eyes at the introduction of Donald Trump's daughter. But as she proved on her daddy's show (and, apparently, in a documentary on rich kids that I haven't seen), Ivanka manages to be rich, smart, razor-sharp and quite pretty -- and thoughtful, humble, kind, diplomatic and astonishingly perceptive. She's well-educated in the formal sense and did some modeling in the late 90s, so she's a pretty good choice for guest-judging on PR. Something, I don't know what, keeps her from being a girl-crush on the order of a Klum or a Latifah, but I did note that the judges positioned Trump and Klum on opposite ends of the judges' row, as if to prevent a supernova of awesomeness from erupting if they got too close. Either way, it was delightful to see her. I want more of her on my TV (and less of her dad).

After recovering from the obligatory "Awwwww, doggies doggies doggies!" babble-and-drool session that occurs whenever I see 1 cute dog, let alone 13 of them -- let alone 13 of them being simultaneously walked by an especially fastidious-looking Tim Gunn -- I was struck by this thought: Angela and Vincent are still there. Angela and Vincent are still there. How is that possible? How have they managed to stay on the show despite their obvious shortcomings in the areas of design, communication, teamwork and sanity?

My theory is this: the judging that we're seeing this season is a reaction to last season, which produced two finalists who played it a little too safe (and Santino). While they were both certainly competent, Daniel and Chloe didn't exactly produce show collections that were gonna set the world on fire. And since the stated goal of the show is to find "the next great American designer," this season, the judges have decided to reward risk, no matter how bizarre that risk may be.

The problem with that is that it results in perfectly fine, if somewhat underwhelming, garments losing and decent designers being sent home, while outfits that look like a 4-year-old put them together and the off-the-grid-and-off-their-meds designers responsible are allowed to stay far longer than they should. I think it's a case of overcorrection that will hopefully right itself eventually, but I was sorry to see Malan go last week, and even sorrier to see Katherine go this week. Her dress was a little plain, but still attractive, and I liked the hem technique and loved the color scheme. I only wish she'd had time to make the hoodie for her model; I think that totally would have saved her. Let's pause for a moment of silence and whimper a little over the abject cuteness of that picture.

[Speaking of cuteness, Jeffrey is starting to edge into my good graces, thanks to his obvious affection for his little Corgi client. I've made my peace with the neck tattoo, and he consistently turns out dresses that are unique and interesting. I think he might be the contestant who can combine risk-taking, attractive design and good construction. That's right: I think he might just win this thing. I just hope he knocks it off with the Rush Limbaugh terminology; one more "feminazi" and you're dead to me, Neck-Boy.]

The contestant I was hoping they'd send home is, of course, Keith. Yes, his dress was gorgeous, but he didn't freaking complete the assignment. Hell, even Bradley managed to make a little collar for his dog (while looking and coughing like a Dostoyevsky character dying of consumption) after pinning together a shell top that the judges inexplicably adored. What the hell was Keith's excuse? And would he have tried to pull that crap if Michael Kors was on the panel? Frankly, between the groping of Miss USA last week, the "Bad Mommy" business this week and the obvious contempt Keith had for the judges, all of whom happened to be women, I'm wondering if he doesn't have Major Issues. Just a thought.

And like the rest of you, I'm eagerly awaiting next week's ejection of a rule-breaking contestant. I think it's gonna be Keith, 'cause he's just that arrogant. I believe the whole business with Kayne talking about rules is a decoy and that Kayne is just anxious, trying to make sure he hasn't unknowingly done anything wrong. I could, as always, be mistaken, but damn, that's gonna be some great TV next week!

Threads from Project Runway

Some good points were raised in the comments to yesterday's ProjRun post, so I thought I'd expand upon them a little bit.

My beloved friend Herm (consort to the queen of the Bling Blog and a fantastic designer and all-around bad-ass himself) showed some love for Malan's couture creation. And I have to say, the bodice boasted some amazing craftsmanship, although the hem was very much a first-year-student error. Frankly, I would've blamed the hem on Katherine's inexperience had we not seen  footage of Malan demonstrating how to get the hem "the perfect length." (Perfect for the diminutive Miss USA, maybe; perfect for a skyscraper runway model, not so much. And did anybody catch the look on his model's face when he said she had a really long torso?)

While the hem was probably the defect that got him auf'ed, I don't think he was helped by his color choices. On the one hand, you could say he used very sophisticated browns; on the other hand, when Tim Gunn says your creation looks like a yule log, you're probably in the wrong region of the color wheel. I have named the darker color "Devils Food" and the redder tone "Blood in the Stool."

Jenny pondered the wording and/or significance of Jeffrey's neck tattoo. According to the Detroit Free Press, it says "Harrison Detroit/the love of my life" (the second part is in Italian) and refers to Neck-Boy's son, who is named Harrison Detroit. Okay, yes, it's very sweet to have your kid's name and a declaration of love imprinted on your skin forever. But I can't help but wonder: what if he has another kid? "Um, well, yes, your brother was the love of my life at the time. Now I love you both. Of course I love you equally! It's just that the back of my left thigh was the only area left unmarked by the time you came along. But I want the world to know how important you both are to me -- why do you think I wear shorts so often?"

Then again, there's no guarantee that Jeffrey has thought that far ahead. I mean, nothing says "I don't plan to live past my mid-40s" like a neck tattoo. Personally, I like to imagine that instead of "Harrison Detroit," it says that the love of his life is actually Doctor Detroit, and that Jeffrey's deep, dark secret is that despite his punk-rawk exterior and postmodern art aesthetic, he believes to the core of his being that Dan Ackroyd is incapable of making a bad movie.

Shut it, neckboy.

Oh hell, hell no. Keith did not grope Miss USA! Well, of course he did. He's That Guy: a smarmy, leering, arrogant monument to sleaze. Look at that face. Doesn't it just say, "Ask me about Rohyphnol!"

And she didn't even punch him in response. Damn. It made me think of that moment in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, when Harmony said it was no big deal that Harry (accidentally) grabbed her breast and Harry just went off: "What do you -- what -- of course it's a big deal! It's not okay for a guy to just grab your boobs!" It was an oddly, touchingly feminist moment for Harry.

Speaking of which... Jeffrey was already skating on thin ice with me, what with the neck tattoo and the Unabomber hoodie and the whole too-cool-for-school-oh-just-get-the-hell-over-yourself schtick. But I actually hissed at the TV when he described Angela as a "feminazi." That word actively pisses me off, implying that there's some association between the desire for equality between the sexes and fucking genocide. Ugh. If Angela is being a scheming asshole who won't shut up (which she was), just call her that. You don't have to shit on the idea of gender equality along the way or imply that she's one step away from putting people on trains and harvesting their teeth and hair.

That said... that was a pretty good dress he designed. The model's walk was oddly slow and somewhat lacking in the "work it" category (unlike Kayne and Robert's model, who was delightfully flirty without being sleazy, Keith). But the dress itself commanded attention and would probably work beautifully on a red carpet. I'd like to see if Jeffrey can design something that's not deconstructed, though. After all, clean lines tend to work best when one is annexing the Sudetenland or bombing the crap out of London.

And, like I said, Angela was being an utter turd. I'm no fan of Vincent's (he's insane, period), but I wouldn't wish Angela on anybody. She has way too high an opinion of her design abilities for someone who doesn't even bring a damn sketch to show the client. Remember her audition tape? "How many designers living off the grid in O-high-o can produce dresses that are mistaken for an Yves Saint Laurent?" If you're so damn off the grid, why are you going onto a reality show? Shut your trap and learn how to sketch.

When she and Malan were the only ones left on the runway, I hoped the judges would decide who was eliminated based on how the contestants were dressed. "Hmmm... predictable but well-made suit or circus-zombie-goes-to-the-prom nightmare?" My cold, dark heart actually broke a little for Malan when he got eliminated. He actually spoke the words that every departing reality contestant who doesn't have a sociopathic ego must have thought: "I feel so ashamed right now." Poor thing. I still think the accent's fake, though.